If I crash and burn, then let my fire serve as fuel for my regeneration because we all start again somehow and setbacks are part of the dance of transformation.
I choose to Cha-Cha with my ups and downs and pick myself up again and again and again.
I honour the blessing that it is to be human and to have the choice to show up for myself regardless.
I deserve total, unconditional commitment to being, every single day of my life.
I have lived many lives, all of them separate from each other and enmeshed at the core.
I lived a life where I flirted with being a people-pleaser and lost access to my internal voice in the process. I hungrily consumed the lure of arrogant gurus with clay feet and fed off them for approval.
The more I eagerly admired qualities in them that I thought were separate from myself, the smaller and smaller I became.
That sick and hollow feeling swelling each time I let snide remarks slide and sexist jokes slip, staying trapped in my complacent smile whilst dry-heaving niceties.
I had never allowed myself to articulate the gut-wrenching anxiety that wanted so badly to scream, “Wake up!” until I realised that sometimes the pit of self-loathing has to fester before you hear the voice inside reminding you to let the light in.
Only then do you claw your way out and re-discover your breath, your voice, your essence.
I chose to turn my back on those constructed Gurus because I realised I was my own saviour and I no longer wished to serve the insatiable beast that constantly sought approval from others.
It’s a good day when that happens. Lighter, happier and awake are concepts that start to filter in to your psyche and whatever life you are in at that time starts to re-scramble towards rather than against and you shed a little bit of that old skin you didn’t like much.
I lived a life where topics like celebrity fashion and diets dominated conversation. I became good at talking about nothingness and what no-one was doing because being numb like that was safe for those around me.
It was killing me, even though my smile was wide and my tights were never laddered.
I failed at being part of the collective us when I uttered “there’s more to this” and suddenly became the sole trader of the outside them.
It was then when I learned what it feels like to be lonely in a crowd and how cruel isolation can be for those who dare to be different.
I lived a life where creativity was rife but progressive art was marred by personal politics and resilience was tested by the sour taste of envy. Thick skin grows, without you realising, when backstabbing tennis is an admired skill in the environment around you. Your suit of armour evolves into a shell of tight self-defence, cracking easily and without warning if you haven’t yet taught yourself how to release the aching, boiling vulnerability inside.
It seeps out anyway, vulnerability.
People notice it oozing out of you and it’s uncomfortable. It makes them uneasy because they too are deeply vulnerable and in sensing you they sense themselves.
We are not always ready for that kind of mirror or the realness that faces you, if you choose to see.
Sometimes, along the way, you meet a soul to call a friend and they too trickle vulnerability and you notice for the first time something in their eyes that says it might not be a bad thing to be open, to be sensitive. To let the cracks show.
You learn to celebrate the messiness by moisturizing your armour with a balm of radical self-love and you shed a little more of the skin that held you tightly in self-defence because it wasn’t working for you.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
~ Brené Brown
In all my lives it’s thanks to the golden few souls who stayed throughout each career change, each up and down, that have enriched my soul and brightened by smile. I am eternally grateful for them, with all my body and soul.
Through their presence I have maintained some semblance of consistency in body, mind and spirit, recognising the simplest and most important human needs like a hug at the end of each day or a smile that whispers softly to the little person inside.
I discovered truly joyful things about love and my capacity to experience myself in love in ways I never imagined I was capable of getting remotely close to.
Such is the glint of the double-edged sword of living through many lives. There is always a plus if you choose to stick your tongue out and taste it.
Sometimes when you are living beside yourself, you discover the best form of courage and determination.
I have chosen a life now, dependent on opening my eyes to the what-if and expecting the best.
I have chosen to accept my flaws and I thank God for them for they make me whole.
I have decided being nice all the time is dangerous to my soul because it silences assertiveness. Standing up for myself means the mistakes I made in the past stay there, content as part of the overall life shaping process, with no desire to be repeated.
The lessons I have learned have taught me that truth is revealed, no matter what.
To face the truth about yourself, to really look at where your behaviour stems from, takes great courage. To acknowledge that truth, accept it and grow through your transformation, with those parts of yourself exposed without judgement, is when you truly start to live an authentic, honest life that makes your heart sing.
Then you shed the last little bit of skin that kept you small because it never worked for you anyway.